Authonomy – Friday Flash Fiction [FFF]

Post: FFF – August 23, 2013

Theme / Genre: The Twelfth Commandment

Include: –

Words: 970

Thou Shalt

Why after all this time has this happened? I think, trying hard to comprehend the significance of last night. Why now?

Another tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it away with the back of my hand. With blurry vision, I look in the bathroom mirror; my eyes are puffy and red; arms droop at my side; black beads wrap around white knuckles of my tightly clenched fist; I’m shaking.

Michael makes me happy; I thought we were both happy. Best of friends, soul mates, and one day soon, we would be lovers, but now, now everything is in limbo. I feel more tears, and watch as they track down my face, changing direction at every hair follicle.

Patiently, I waited for the day he would ask me. That day was yesterday; now come and gone. Yet, I teased him. So, it was my own fault, retribution for what had happened, my punishment.

“Marry me?” Michael had asked.

Opening my hand, I can see blood; gripping it too tight, the crucifix of my rosary beads has cut into my skin.

“I’ll think about it,” I had said, “and give you an answer tomorrow.”

Timing could not have been any worse. How could I let this happen?

‘God, why? Why have you forsaken me?’ I say under my breath. A word that I have read in books, heard in films, and truly believed a word that I would never utter; my God would never abandon me, but he has, I know it.

Away at a weekend retreat, jealousy and suspicion never cross my mind about Michael. I know the other men that attend with him; some are married, most help at mass: ushers, offering collectors, and indeed celebrants; all devout Catholics. Never have I had reason to doubt him. It was me I should’ve doubted. I made the error, not Michael.

‘Oh, dear Lord, why?’ I say aloud.

‘What’s that Sarah?’ The voice of my best friend Ruth, from the other side of the door.

I have nothing else to say and stand in silence.

‘Come on out, talk to me,’ she pleads from the hallway, but I don’t want to talk I have sinned, does she not see that.

Damn Michael, if only you hadn’t gone to the retreat, I wouldn’t have gone in to town with Ruth; my best friend of all people, and those events, those shocking events. I can’t stop but think about them now, how they started so innocently and how they ended so … My temperature is rising, I can feel my face redden, my dressing gown bristles on my skin, I’m sweating under my arms, between my legs. I run some water and splash it on my face, tightening my eyes to expel the vision. This should not be happening; the feelings should not excite me.

‘No,’ I say.

‘Oh come on Sarah. It’s not the end of the world, these things happen.’

Opening the door, I see Ruth standing, staring at me. She has been crying too, not as much, but I sense her feelings are similar to mine. As I stand in the doorway, a cool breeze evaporates the perspiration and chills my skin. She has always been a good friend to me. Her parents and mine are close, regular church goers, I wonder what they will think of it all.

‘You’re bleeding,’ she says. ‘Let me look.’

I pull away.

‘I’m fine, it’s nothing,’ I say, I feel disappointed in myself, she only wants to help. ‘What will my parents say, and yours?’

‘Sarah, please darling, forget it,’ she says. ‘I’m saying nothing.’

I am surprised at her complacency. ‘What if Father Pat finds out?’

‘Who will tell him? Go to confession if you like.’

I know she’s putting on a brave face for me, I know she thinks differently, it’s not in our teaching. I move closer to her and look her in the eye.

‘It’s not the way of the church, Ruth. We’ve been brought up in the eyes of the Lord and to live by the Commandments.’

‘Do you know how old they are?’

Is it me she questions, or the catholic faith. Something seems different about her now, her eyes.

‘Thou shalt not do this, thou shalt not do that,’ she says. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong, according to the Commandments, nothing. And don’t try to convince yourself otherwise.’

‘But, what about Michael? I have cheated on him.’

‘Only in your eyes, you are not married. You didn’t even say yes.’

She’s stronger than me, more confident, I guess that’s her attraction as a friend, but she can’t be right.

‘Do you remember that book, what was it?’

‘Which book?’ I say.

‘You know. Jeffrey Archer, that’s it.’

‘The Eleventh Commandment.’

‘Yes, Thou Shalt Not Get Caught, that one.’

‘That’s just a story, and no one’s been caught.’

‘Exactly, exactly my point, Sarah,’ Ruth says, concluding her trail of thought.

I’m beginning to well-up again, I can feel it. ‘But, I will know, I will never forget.’

‘Good. So, are you really that ashamed?’

‘Yes,’ I say staring into her eyes. ‘Well, no, I …’ thoughts of last night return, how right it felt, my tears recede.

‘Good, I’m glad. For a second …’

She reaches out and touches me, softly, comforting, pulling me to her. I can’t, no matter how often I see Father Pat’s face, resist the pull. She kisses me on the lips, a sweet taste. My head is telling me if I ignore this feeling, it will only lead to unhappiness.

‘What should we do, Ruth?’

‘First, invoke a Twelfth Commandment.’

I stare, what is she talking about, the eleventh was made up, surely there isn’t a twelfth.

‘What?’

‘Yeah, the Twelfth Commandment, you know.’

‘No.’

‘Thou Shalt Keep Calm and Carry On.’