Authonomy – Friday Flash Fiction [FFF]

Post: FFF – March 21, 2014

Theme / Genre: Spam!

Include: –

Words: 998

Pleading with the Spammers

Depressed I check my email again. There is always hope. Hope that someone will offer me a job, hope a long-lost relative has died and left me a tidy sum, hope that my numbers come up. Always hope.

So, fifteen minutes on the PC, then the electric goes off; I need to save money. No matter how hard I try, how much I don’t spend, how little I eat, how little I have, it’s always too much to afford. I rub my hands together to warm up my fingers, as the PC sparks into life. It’s cold with no heating. Sticking hands up my top into my armpits I feel instant warmth, I hold them there until the login screen appears.

If that lottery cheque comes in I will be able to upgrade this machine, it is so slow. Slower than paint drying, the hard drive slows to a less audible whirring and I know I can take my hands from my armpits.

It’s not long and I’m searching new emails, junk emails, from pizza deals, insurance offers to problems with bank accounts that I don’t have and erection pills I don’t need—it’s too bloody cold in here I don’t think even they would work. Subject:

John Gregory Misslethrope II

More spam, a quick read to cheer myself up with the ridiculous claims and spelling.

Dear Sir

I am Patrick Sharp from at, Messers Clark, Parker and Lupinsky, affording you great exitement on a financial requisition that has been issued to you, as sole named receiver, by the Internatinal Monetary Fund (IMF) and jointly Bank Of England (BOE)…

‘What shite is this, “sole named receiver” what does that actually mean,’ I shout loudly at my computer screen. ‘If I am, how come they don’t know my name?’

This type of email really winds me up.

…Your name has been passed to us by the Internatinal Monetary Fund (IMF) as next of kin to John Gregory Misslethrope II and the beneficiary of $620.00,000 dollars US…

Typical, as clear as stewed tea. What kind of sum is that, millions, or thousands, or $620? At least they are consistently bad at spelling International.

‘And I’ve never heard of John Gregory Missaltoss the second!’ my voice raised again, I should calm down, but it’s hard; scammers are complete muppets.

…As chief CEO of Tiger Oil Systems Ltd Mr Misslethrope has no surviving relatives and an Internatinal search…

‘Inter-bloody-national, you muppets!’

…has found you as sole benefits. Please forward the following information to enable us to send you correct documentasions. To PSharpCPL@gmail.com

Name

Address

Phone

Bank details

DOB

‘Really, a proper email for Clark, Parker and whatever, do you think I’m nuts?’ I really should stop shouting. I bet it doesn’t even match the address it came from. I check and realise the tosspots have cc’d not bcc’d and I open up a list of what must be thousands and thousands of addresses on an illegal email list.

‘Knobs! You can’t even do that right.’

I have a stupid idea. I hit Reply All.

Dear Tossbag in charge of deception at Messers Clutz, Pratt and Lipsyncy.

I’ve no intention of sending information you require, as I believe it a complete and utter scam, preying on the not so well off, fragile, vulnerable, and/or out of work people; of which I pretty much fit the bill.

We all know when I send my info, you’ll dance around with joy and be really chummy with your illiterate emails and then you’ll apologise profusely, if you could spell it, and ask me for a small transaction fee (actually large, but small in comparison to the money I will ‘allegedly’ receive) to cover costs that unfortunately can’t be taken from the beneficiary money for legal reasons, which I will gullibly pay. You will then disappear with mine and other likeminded people’s money, never to be seen again.

If I could, I’d squeeze myself down the internet cable, jump out your PC and slap you around the head with your keyboard, you absolute muppet.

I’m Peter Grant and as far as I know, and I’ve checked my ancestry, there is no chance whatsoever that I’m related to John Gregory Missletwat the second, first or any other number for that matter.

You are incoherent and inconsistent, so here’s what I think we’ll do. You keep your “$620.00,000” and I’ll ask for $620 to cover my electric bill before I’m cut-off and for the time that you’ve pissed me about and got my hopes up that some money will actually come my way—Bank details below—for all I know you might feel some pity and pay me something. The account is hellishly overdrawn by the way and no way on this planet my bank will give you anything, so don’t be clever, they’ll know you’re not me.

This has been very therapeutic, thanks for that, but I must go now, before my electric’s cut-off.

Yours PG

Send!

A week later.

If I’m lucky I’ve ten minutes before I’m disconnected by my ISP. Just time to check emails for the last time.

I’m speechless, there’s hundreds, I mean literally and I don’t use the word incorrectly, I mean literally. All titled ‘Re: Re: John Gregory Misslethrope II’.

I read one, then another, tears are filling my eyes and a smile is strengthening my face, they all follow a similar pattern:

Dear Peter

Thanks for your email, and so very thanks for the details therein.

If it wasn’t for you I would have parted with a large amount of money and paid these heartless tricksters, I therefore have transferred a small sum to your account as noted and hope it helps with your money troubles.

Good luck!

TG

Oh, I’m ahead of you, I’m logged in to my bank account already, whilst you were reading that, and OMG I can safely say that was the most beneficial email I have ever written.